When (Autism) Reality Hits...

Last night was the Carnival at my four youngest kids school. My second grader really, really wanted to go but I was dancing around the subject. I told her the ground was wet from all the rain and would be too muddy---she then told me part of it was indoors. I told her we would see and that seemed to pacify her for a while. Then when my husband came home, she brought it up again. She reminded us with tear filled eyes that we have never gone and that all her friends would be there and wanted her to go too. I told her it would be too hard with the little guys, meaning of course with Reece and not knowing how he would react. She started to cry and walked away. She has missed out on so much because of autism. My husband and I both felt terrible. So my husband says it isn't fair that she is missing out because her brother has autism. I agree, and even though I was really worried, we called her back in. We said to get ready because we were going to the Carnival! How bad could it be anyway, we would only be there for a little over the last hour.

So we get to the school and it is packed! We had to park a couple streets away. As soon as we got out of the car, Reece started to freak out because we weren't going in to the house we parked in front of. He figured we must be going to visit friends. So my husband walked ahead with the three girls and I struggled with Reece. I tried explaining we were going to have fun and we had to follow dad. This didn't really go over too well and finally I was able to pick him up. As we turned the corner I put him down and he seemed happy to walk.....until he realized we were at school! Then he started his ear-piercing, B-movie queen screams. This boy has some lungs! As he did this he was trying to fall to the ground to get our of my grasp. I am trying to look like I have some control and get him to stand up. I am sure we were making quite a scene. I told him it was okay and we were going home. I looked to my husband who had turned around when he heard all the commotion and just shook my head "no". Reece proceeded to pull me, full speed, back in the direction of the car.

I was in tears. I knew better than to attempt this. But part of me was hoping it would work and we could be a "normal" family going to the Carnival with the kids. So now my husband and the girls reached us and T was crying because she didn't actually get more than 40 feet onto the property, Erin was crying because she really wanted to get to the playground and t was crying because she wanted to go back and have fun. Great family night out!

We ended up going back to the car and putting on a movie for Reece. My husband said he would take him for a ride and I would take the girls back to the Carnival. But as I walked away from the car, I could hear Reece screaming because I was leaving. We quickly walked to the Carnival, went inside and I almost immediately told the girls we had to leave. We saw a few friends so Teagan was happy. I was shaking, my muscles hurt from my struggle with Reece. I kept thinking about Reece screaming and how this was just such a bad idea. I couldn't even think stright. We ended up going for italian ice and the girls were happy. I think I was the only one who was upset after we left.

I think we are at a point where we are seeing such good things start to happen with Reece that sometimes I get ahead of myself. It is so hard when you feel like your other kids are going without because one of their siblings has autism. At home we are "normal". Or at least normal for us. I guess I just hoped that we could get through this one outing together like our friends and their families. Occasionally now I get the little tease of life without autism. We are getting those days where we are not under the control of autism. I guess I have to be more patient and accept that we are where we are right now but we are moving ahead. Every day is different and every day has new challenges and blessings. I could just do with a little less of the challenges!